i don't think i can take this anymore. She is acting cold to me again. Not answering my call, doesn't want to reply my msg. I am fine with that. I know her decision now. I am sensitive. I know smt is happening on her side. If i remain her second option, so be it. Really heartbroken by the way she treats me. Hot and cold. The same with Sharina, and now with her. Guess with these 2 girls, I am the weak one.

I deleted her from my list as I dont want to disturb her anymore but i doubt myself. how long can i stand not to msg her. I am weak here. but as day pass by, I believe I can overcome that. Can feel she's ignoring my call. I am growing tired with these kind of things. Can i just have a break.

I always believe this is part of my karma. I might think she's the only one for me, but in the end, guess i'm wrong. I am not who she wants. I am never the person she wants. I always remember she said she will never play around with love, well she did. Sweet words can stay forever. It is meant for coating purpose. It will degrade.

Juliet told me not to be angry or hate someone, instead be happy. I am trying. trying to be happy and trying to get her out of my mind. It will be really tough. I wanted a life with her. Things didn't work out the way I wanted it to be.

Always tell myself, life is too short to worry on such thing. Live life to the fullest. Eventually, guess i will grow tired with relationship and just want to be single. Girls that I love will never end up with me. That's just life to me. Sounds bitter from me. Each and everyone life are different. Some might find their the one, some might not. And I fall into the unfortunate category.

Think it another way, the unfortunate might works my way too. Financially, am i really good enough to be in relationship? Is Jestina good enough for me? I can raise a lot of questions here. I know all these are for self satisfaction because only with that way, I can get rid of her.

Hot and cold treatment, I am tired of it. Guess in relationship, everyone has to pass through it. like it or not, you have to overcome it. I try very hard to overcome it. Initially, believing that if I really want something, it will materialise, guess some things like love, it wont works that way. As much as I want her, I mean nothing to her.

She can just forget about me that easy. I feel bad if I ignore her. This always comes in my mind, appreciate people that treasure us. Some friends take things for granted, friends like that, we can ignore. She might take me for granted, but to other friends, she might not be. It is the same to me. Some friends think I take things for granted, so they ignored me.

I want to meet her before I go to Phuket. She is avoiding me. Just told Juliet, Happy moments won't last forever. Treasure it while you are still experiencing it. because you won't know, next seconds, that moment will disappear. I believe this so much now. When Jestina is good to me, appreciate that moment, treasure it. because the next hour, things will turn cold. always bear in mind that, she might take you just to fill in her time. By adopting 'appreciate every happy moments that happen" I believe my life would be more simple.

Writing this relieve me a lot. I don't like to keep this with me forever. I believe i made the right decision. I am really tired of being treated that way. DO i deserve this? I have no answer. but I felt better expressing myself here.

Find friends that appreciate us. Friends that take things for granted, we can just ignore them. life is too short to fill them in. There are a lot of happy things awaiting us in front. I believe.

Good night. 1.19am

#8: Final Message

Jestina: i guess i was more comfortable talking to you casually as a friend
i like you and i don't want to hurt you by telling lies
before it is too late
I didn't filter or sugar coat anything i told you just now, straight from my heart how am I feeling


Jestina: is like us being in a relationship but i don't feel like it
i don't feel comfortable, and i guess I am not ready for one at this moment


Jestina: i guess the thing is, nothing really happen
we just don't really talk
or i shall say I don't really talk
because i don't know what talk to you
and work have been keeping me busy
and the thing is that, i don't have the urge

#7: Jestina's reminder.

Please don't let me dislike talking to you
Please don't let me begin ignoring you
Please don't let me look down on you by how you behave
Please don't let me loose my respect towards you
Please don't let me have the feeling of frustration when I see you
Please don't let me get irritated when you ask really dumb questions
Please don't let me have so many chances to raise my voice against you
Please don't let me think that you are the black sheep among others
Please don't let me repeat things which had been repeated a thousand times
Please don't let me stop saying hi to you
Please don't let me think that talking to you is such suffering and wasting time


Just you know who you are... Please don't... I'm getting real sick...

#6: I will remember her forever. She stays in my memory.

I felt like she's avoiding me. Whenever I asked her out, she will put me to the last. Her friends are more important than me. I think I received her message clearly. She wants to break up with me but she don't want to say that. Initially, I planned to wait till she say that, but now I think I no longer will do that.

Ladies will always feel reluctant to say that words. I have no idea why. I don't think I'm important to her anymore. Maybe not even as friend anymore. She never ask for my news. I told myself not to upset with that. But I think I'm actually hiding from the fact that she no longer like me. Forcing her to cling on to this relationship is really selfish. I will let her go and let her find her ideal partner. I never is her ideal partner. I wanted her badly but when things are not ours, we should learn how to leave it. Forcing one means no real happiness.

I told her that I wanted to visit her on Sunday before I left for Melaka. But when comes Sunday, she told me maybe we can't meet. She got an appointment with her friend that she promised to meet long ago. Just now, when I wanted to call her, she didn't pick up my call, she said she's in a dinner. Well, things changed dramatically. A few hours later, I text her again, asking whether she finish her dinner. She replied she was resting, tired. If anything, what's app her. Add in the fact that I didn't meet her for more than a week already, she didn't even anticipate my call, leave alone meeting me.

I just want to repair our relationship before it go further and damage our friendship. I still want to remain as her best friends if possible. Or maybe as friend. We are not meant to be a couple, but I don't want to lose a friend. I can see the trend that she's avoiding me. She doesn't need to do that. We can still be friends. If she did those cold respond to me on purpose, then blame me for asking for that. I am the one to ask to continue this relationship. If she didn't do it on purpose, then too bad, things just didn't work out for us, cause I don't think that's an appropriate way to treat your bf or friends. I believe she don't want to go to this stage as well.

Jestina is really a good gf, Whoever that manage to win her heart is the luckiest guy in this world. I can guarantee that. I am not the lucky one. But the amount of happy time that we manage to spent together, I really treasured it a lot. I will remember her forever. She is so special to me. Sweet, cute, active and independent. She has what I want in a gf. No surprise to see lots of guys going after her. She is every guy dream girl.

Jestina, time that we manage to spent together, I will remember it. I hope you will manage to find a nice partner for yourself. I hope you will say yes to us becoming best friends. I will still go after you Jestina.

Jestina, I enjoyed the time we spent together.

#5: Maybe I need to grow stronger.

Friends told me, if you care for her too much, they will try to get over your head. I slowly begin to believe this. Not with Jestina. I did not even try to climb on top of mine. She warned me before. It's me who want to be treated that way. Blame no one other than myself. I ask for this, I got it. She doesn't look happy when she met me last night. Up until a point where both of us got nothing to talk in the car. I'm glad her face changed to happy one after I show her the book. At least I know she can still smile. It's been a while since I saw her smile happily. I always tell myself maybe I think too much. She might be tired due to her throat. I hope that's true. Cause so far I can't see any commitment from her. 

She never ask anything on me. When I ask her bout her stuff, what I get is simple answer. That's all. She will only answer my question. If compare to last time, she will still tell me something. I accept that things will always change, but I never expect it to change so fast. I will keep going after her. Everything is back to zero for me. I need to win back her heart. I'm constantly learning all the way. My question is if she's not into me, why can't she just tell me she wants to break up. It will save her time and she won't need to meet my face anymore. I don't think she's looking forward meeting me. Things won't remain like how it is now for long. It will come a time when I can no longer provide care and attention for her anymore. 

Be brave enough to accept that some things aren't meant to be. Letting go takes courage. You gotta allow yourself to grow stronger. 

Jestina, I would love to see your sweet smile again

#4: Am I thinking too much?

I don't know what to talk to her. Her reply doesn't seems convincing. I don't know hot to continue the conversation from her reply. IS she avoiding me lately. Might be. I want to visit her tonight, hoping to see how is she now and to give her the book, but she said maybe she will sleep already by the time I visit her.

i scared i sleep dy haha

nvm lah not really have to be tonight

if u have things to do u shud go ahead

Message like that is so discouraging. What goes into my mind is tonight there we won't meet up. we'll only know tonight the result. But what make me so confident that she doesn't want to meet up? She is just way to nice to reject a person. She just put thing in a nicer way. You may say I think too much but I might be right as well. I don't think she wants to meet me.

If she really dislike me already, I won't want to keep bugging her like that. I know that is very annoying cause I won't want others to do that on me. I hold tight to the belief that

Be brave enough to accept that some things aren't meant to be. Letting go takes courage. You gotta allow yourself to grow stronger. 

and to this as well, 

If u ever find someone u really like, fight like hell to get them; Once u get them, fight like hell to keep them!

Both statement are contradicting. One advice us to let go when things are no longer ours, another urged us to fight for our love. Which one am I doing right now? I choose to fight. I will fight like hell to win her heart. 

If u don't like someone, might as well tell that person instead of lying to him/her everyday. Truth may hurt, but lies hurt WAY more

Then again, I believe it is worth fighting to get her heart. She is worth every sacrifice that I made. I always remind myself on , 

Giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they'll love you back!

Don't expect love in return; 
Just wait for it to grow in their heart,
But if it doesn't, be content it grew in yours.

She might not be giving me any love right now, that shouldn't stop me from giving her love. I need to constantly remind myself that NEVER EVER expect any love from her. She owe me nothing even if she is my girlfriend. Without a strong mind, I will hate her for not returning the love. Let's face it, who am I anyway to expect that from her. Constantly I remind myself Don't expect love in return. I am still unsure how long I need to convince myself doing this.

Jestina, please, give me a chance to make your life better. Together, we can make it.

#3: Her blog used to be more about herself. No more on that now.

I browse through her blog up till year 2009. Major difference that I can spotted is her blog used to be cheerful and she used to blog a lot about herself. Now, she didn't do that anymore. Her recent post is more "negative". She kept everything to only herself. Her latest one:     

                                  
                                                       If you happen to find my heart, 

Can you help me to keep it in a safe box,

Safe from others who wants to hurt it badly,

Because if I ever have it back,

I might hand it over to the same person,

Whom I know, he will hurt it over and over again.

I want to be the stranger that she mentioned to keep her heart. Don't know what's playing in her mind. Was she still thinking of her ex? Giving him another chance? I hope she can think wise and never give her ex any chance anymore. Enough with the scars and bruises that she got from the bastard. My wish at here alone is worthless if she didn't work her way forward. I want to see her happy. Enough of the ex.

She did mentioned in one of her post, on her requirement for her bf,

Someone who is mature, stable, caring, and loving - high standards?

Don't think so... Let's see what are the no no characters I won't get attracted to...

I can't take guys with childish character, and thinks he knows everything but just living in a nutshell.

I don't quite admire guys who just live their life each day and not plan for a future.

I don't like guys who mask a lot, it doesn't look good when I find out the person behind it.

I don't like guys who boast about nothing but himself - Hate it when someone is always full of himself...

 I really don't know whether I have any of the traits mentioned. Am I childish, I am sometime. Well I guess all of us will still have the lil kid in us even though we are adults now. Do I plan for my future? I did. Do I mask myself? I did. Depending on the situation. We have to carry certain image in certain function. I am a guy with humours, you won't want me to joke all the way while I'm delivering my speech! 

In short, those are the requirements by all the girls. Of course we want a perfect couple but some find it really difficult to understand why they never meet their prince charming. You will NEVER find your prince charming that tick all the requirements. No on is perfect in this world. 

I always believe Jestina is a really good gf. I am really lucky to have met her. And she is my gf now. Still it is not a intimate relationship between us. There is still something big that pull her back from committing to this relationship. What is the big rock here, I am trying to find out. I always think I might be the big rock myself. If that's the case, I'll be really sad to remove myself from the picture.

I noticed she went to Bkt Cahaya to cycle last time. Now let me google on that. Having the memory back might not be a bad idea after all.

There goes the list for guys that attracts her,

Let me list down some of the ways you can get girls around you, well at least these attracts me...

1. Your killer suit (Suit you put charm on it)
2. Your stylish hairstyle
3. Your killer smile
4. Your skill of sweet talking
5. Your skill in instruments
6. Your personality - Down to earth prince charming
7. Your dance moves
8. Your way of being shy when you get compliments
9. Your way of looking
10. And if you know beat boxing

She told me this before,  fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me

Her huge interest in i have this huge love for German Shepherd

 Extracted from one of her posts,

How is it like to have a boyfriend?
How is it like to hold hands and hug each other while doing simple window shopping?
How is it like when you felt like crying and there is a shoulder for you to rely on?
How is it like when you can openly talk about the sweetest things you both did with everyone?
How is it like to have him mention about you being the most precious without taking into considerations?

 Right now, I am wondering How is it like when you can openly talk about the sweetest things you both did with everyone? I want to get her back to herself normal self so badly. I want to make her feel what is it like to have a bf. She can have my shoulder to cry on whenever she wants to. I want to hug and kiss her everyday. It might be a dream now, but I cherish for it to happen.

I am a sucker for needles lah

I just love horror movies

Jestina, you deserve better than what you are experiencing now.