#6: I will remember her forever. She stays in my memory.

I felt like she's avoiding me. Whenever I asked her out, she will put me to the last. Her friends are more important than me. I think I received her message clearly. She wants to break up with me but she don't want to say that. Initially, I planned to wait till she say that, but now I think I no longer will do that.

Ladies will always feel reluctant to say that words. I have no idea why. I don't think I'm important to her anymore. Maybe not even as friend anymore. She never ask for my news. I told myself not to upset with that. But I think I'm actually hiding from the fact that she no longer like me. Forcing her to cling on to this relationship is really selfish. I will let her go and let her find her ideal partner. I never is her ideal partner. I wanted her badly but when things are not ours, we should learn how to leave it. Forcing one means no real happiness.

I told her that I wanted to visit her on Sunday before I left for Melaka. But when comes Sunday, she told me maybe we can't meet. She got an appointment with her friend that she promised to meet long ago. Just now, when I wanted to call her, she didn't pick up my call, she said she's in a dinner. Well, things changed dramatically. A few hours later, I text her again, asking whether she finish her dinner. She replied she was resting, tired. If anything, what's app her. Add in the fact that I didn't meet her for more than a week already, she didn't even anticipate my call, leave alone meeting me.

I just want to repair our relationship before it go further and damage our friendship. I still want to remain as her best friends if possible. Or maybe as friend. We are not meant to be a couple, but I don't want to lose a friend. I can see the trend that she's avoiding me. She doesn't need to do that. We can still be friends. If she did those cold respond to me on purpose, then blame me for asking for that. I am the one to ask to continue this relationship. If she didn't do it on purpose, then too bad, things just didn't work out for us, cause I don't think that's an appropriate way to treat your bf or friends. I believe she don't want to go to this stage as well.

Jestina is really a good gf, Whoever that manage to win her heart is the luckiest guy in this world. I can guarantee that. I am not the lucky one. But the amount of happy time that we manage to spent together, I really treasured it a lot. I will remember her forever. She is so special to me. Sweet, cute, active and independent. She has what I want in a gf. No surprise to see lots of guys going after her. She is every guy dream girl.

Jestina, time that we manage to spent together, I will remember it. I hope you will manage to find a nice partner for yourself. I hope you will say yes to us becoming best friends. I will still go after you Jestina.

Jestina, I enjoyed the time we spent together.

#5: Maybe I need to grow stronger.

Friends told me, if you care for her too much, they will try to get over your head. I slowly begin to believe this. Not with Jestina. I did not even try to climb on top of mine. She warned me before. It's me who want to be treated that way. Blame no one other than myself. I ask for this, I got it. She doesn't look happy when she met me last night. Up until a point where both of us got nothing to talk in the car. I'm glad her face changed to happy one after I show her the book. At least I know she can still smile. It's been a while since I saw her smile happily. I always tell myself maybe I think too much. She might be tired due to her throat. I hope that's true. Cause so far I can't see any commitment from her. 

She never ask anything on me. When I ask her bout her stuff, what I get is simple answer. That's all. She will only answer my question. If compare to last time, she will still tell me something. I accept that things will always change, but I never expect it to change so fast. I will keep going after her. Everything is back to zero for me. I need to win back her heart. I'm constantly learning all the way. My question is if she's not into me, why can't she just tell me she wants to break up. It will save her time and she won't need to meet my face anymore. I don't think she's looking forward meeting me. Things won't remain like how it is now for long. It will come a time when I can no longer provide care and attention for her anymore. 

Be brave enough to accept that some things aren't meant to be. Letting go takes courage. You gotta allow yourself to grow stronger. 

Jestina, I would love to see your sweet smile again

#4: Am I thinking too much?

I don't know what to talk to her. Her reply doesn't seems convincing. I don't know hot to continue the conversation from her reply. IS she avoiding me lately. Might be. I want to visit her tonight, hoping to see how is she now and to give her the book, but she said maybe she will sleep already by the time I visit her.

i scared i sleep dy haha

nvm lah not really have to be tonight

if u have things to do u shud go ahead

Message like that is so discouraging. What goes into my mind is tonight there we won't meet up. we'll only know tonight the result. But what make me so confident that she doesn't want to meet up? She is just way to nice to reject a person. She just put thing in a nicer way. You may say I think too much but I might be right as well. I don't think she wants to meet me.

If she really dislike me already, I won't want to keep bugging her like that. I know that is very annoying cause I won't want others to do that on me. I hold tight to the belief that

Be brave enough to accept that some things aren't meant to be. Letting go takes courage. You gotta allow yourself to grow stronger. 

and to this as well, 

If u ever find someone u really like, fight like hell to get them; Once u get them, fight like hell to keep them!

Both statement are contradicting. One advice us to let go when things are no longer ours, another urged us to fight for our love. Which one am I doing right now? I choose to fight. I will fight like hell to win her heart. 

If u don't like someone, might as well tell that person instead of lying to him/her everyday. Truth may hurt, but lies hurt WAY more

Then again, I believe it is worth fighting to get her heart. She is worth every sacrifice that I made. I always remind myself on , 

Giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they'll love you back!

Don't expect love in return; 
Just wait for it to grow in their heart,
But if it doesn't, be content it grew in yours.

She might not be giving me any love right now, that shouldn't stop me from giving her love. I need to constantly remind myself that NEVER EVER expect any love from her. She owe me nothing even if she is my girlfriend. Without a strong mind, I will hate her for not returning the love. Let's face it, who am I anyway to expect that from her. Constantly I remind myself Don't expect love in return. I am still unsure how long I need to convince myself doing this.

Jestina, please, give me a chance to make your life better. Together, we can make it.

#3: Her blog used to be more about herself. No more on that now.

I browse through her blog up till year 2009. Major difference that I can spotted is her blog used to be cheerful and she used to blog a lot about herself. Now, she didn't do that anymore. Her recent post is more "negative". She kept everything to only herself. Her latest one:     

                                  
                                                       If you happen to find my heart, 

Can you help me to keep it in a safe box,

Safe from others who wants to hurt it badly,

Because if I ever have it back,

I might hand it over to the same person,

Whom I know, he will hurt it over and over again.

I want to be the stranger that she mentioned to keep her heart. Don't know what's playing in her mind. Was she still thinking of her ex? Giving him another chance? I hope she can think wise and never give her ex any chance anymore. Enough with the scars and bruises that she got from the bastard. My wish at here alone is worthless if she didn't work her way forward. I want to see her happy. Enough of the ex.

She did mentioned in one of her post, on her requirement for her bf,

Someone who is mature, stable, caring, and loving - high standards?

Don't think so... Let's see what are the no no characters I won't get attracted to...

I can't take guys with childish character, and thinks he knows everything but just living in a nutshell.

I don't quite admire guys who just live their life each day and not plan for a future.

I don't like guys who mask a lot, it doesn't look good when I find out the person behind it.

I don't like guys who boast about nothing but himself - Hate it when someone is always full of himself...

 I really don't know whether I have any of the traits mentioned. Am I childish, I am sometime. Well I guess all of us will still have the lil kid in us even though we are adults now. Do I plan for my future? I did. Do I mask myself? I did. Depending on the situation. We have to carry certain image in certain function. I am a guy with humours, you won't want me to joke all the way while I'm delivering my speech! 

In short, those are the requirements by all the girls. Of course we want a perfect couple but some find it really difficult to understand why they never meet their prince charming. You will NEVER find your prince charming that tick all the requirements. No on is perfect in this world. 

I always believe Jestina is a really good gf. I am really lucky to have met her. And she is my gf now. Still it is not a intimate relationship between us. There is still something big that pull her back from committing to this relationship. What is the big rock here, I am trying to find out. I always think I might be the big rock myself. If that's the case, I'll be really sad to remove myself from the picture.

I noticed she went to Bkt Cahaya to cycle last time. Now let me google on that. Having the memory back might not be a bad idea after all.

There goes the list for guys that attracts her,

Let me list down some of the ways you can get girls around you, well at least these attracts me...

1. Your killer suit (Suit you put charm on it)
2. Your stylish hairstyle
3. Your killer smile
4. Your skill of sweet talking
5. Your skill in instruments
6. Your personality - Down to earth prince charming
7. Your dance moves
8. Your way of being shy when you get compliments
9. Your way of looking
10. And if you know beat boxing

She told me this before,  fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me

Her huge interest in i have this huge love for German Shepherd

 Extracted from one of her posts,

How is it like to have a boyfriend?
How is it like to hold hands and hug each other while doing simple window shopping?
How is it like when you felt like crying and there is a shoulder for you to rely on?
How is it like when you can openly talk about the sweetest things you both did with everyone?
How is it like to have him mention about you being the most precious without taking into considerations?

 Right now, I am wondering How is it like when you can openly talk about the sweetest things you both did with everyone? I want to get her back to herself normal self so badly. I want to make her feel what is it like to have a bf. She can have my shoulder to cry on whenever she wants to. I want to hug and kiss her everyday. It might be a dream now, but I cherish for it to happen.

I am a sucker for needles lah

I just love horror movies

Jestina, you deserve better than what you are experiencing now. 

#2: Surprise didn't really works. She's still not feeling well.

20th June 2011

Surprise to give her anniversary card didn't really works. Guess her parents or brother saw the card on the car wiper and carry it to her room. Waiting for her message straight after I open my eyes in the morning. She didn't message me on that. I have to try harder next time.

She still did not feel well, coughing gotten worst. Sleepy in office after taking medicine from doctor. I am so glad to hear she is taking half day leave to back home and rest. She should. I think she is pushing herself too much that her body can't take it anymore. She knows about that, but she cannot help. That's Jestina, devoted to her job. Sacrificing her health, ignoring it, clients and work always beyond herself.

It will be a challenge to convince her to get enough rest before she resumes her work. I don't want to sound like I'm nagging her, but when I see her in such condition, I really hope I can help her or at least make her feel better. Listening to her voice while talking to her, make me wanting to visit her more. I really miss her. I message her that I miss her last night, but there's no reply from her.

Talking to my friends on my situation helps a lot. I need their support badly. Juliet told me, a bf is not someone to rely on. A bf is someone who is gonna pamper your make your days happier event hough you are already happy. A bf is never a person you hold on to cause you have a problem. He is the one that shares everything with you through thick and thin. I believe in that.

My brother asked me why I love her so much this morning. I paused a while. The image of Jestina smiling comes to my mind clearly. The answer is simple, Jestina is a nice lady to talk to. She's caring. I'm holding on to the belief that she can be a wonderful gf is she's is committed to the relationship. She doesn't deserve to be like what she is now. I don't think she wants that life. If I'm not her lucky one, at least I try to change her. I really want to see her smiling everyday. She deserves that.

This Tuesday is suppose to be our dinner but I don't think she can make it. I can't make it as well, dinner with MA3 and managers. I really want to visit her. She said she don't expect anyone to take care of her when she's not feeling well. I never expect that in her with her personalities, but I still want to do that.

Jestina, you mean a lot to me.

#1: 1st month anniversary card.

I can be tough with my mind. We can overcome everything when our mind is strong. The only thing that can hurt me so badly is love, the greatest weapon in the earth. Those who choose to play with feeling must be the greatest bastard in the world. No thanks to them, girls are scared of having another relationship. Pure bastard!

My relationship with her didn't go on smooth. Things started to crack since the second week. I confronted her because I was really concern about our relationship. It seems that she is still not ready to start a new relationship. From what I observed, the main problem lies in her character for being independent. She doesn't need a bf right now. She was sorry that she agreed to be my gf when she's still wasn't ready.

I never blame her for that. I don't want that to happen as well. I admit, I'm suffering when my gf treated me like that. I kind of felt she's a bit cold towards me. The intimacy is no longer there. We used to be close, we used to smile to each others when we met and we used to enjoy each other presence. It is no longer there. Those were only memories now. Things changed. Things are never the same again now.

I can feel that the excitement when meeting me is no longer there. Sometime, I felt she's avoiding me. Well, maybe I think too much. I hope I'm wrong. I really do. I believe she can be a very good gf when she really committed to a person. I can see that in her, a very caring gf. That explains why I will try to convince her to change her character. Sometimes, I do think her character is not the main issue here. The problem might lies in me. I might not be the right person that she wants in her man. Again, I have no complain to that purely because I really have nothing to be proud of currently. Given the time, I trust myself more than any other creatures in this land that I can be a success. Everything takes time. proving to her that I am the right person takes time as well.

I think her feeling towards me can degrade so fast due to the fact that we have nothing special to cling on. There's nothing special in our relationship. It not her fault when she thinks that way. She really got nothing special to cling on in this relationship. But to me, she is the special one. I treasure her like she's really my sweetie. I love being with her and I hope slowly she will feel the same way towards me.

I want to write this post because I want to jot down everything that involve her in my life. My time that I spent with her is never a boring moment for me. Its really relaxing looking at her smile. I know I don't have a good memory. I need this mini diary to help me to refresh all the moment that both of us manage to have, be it a happy moment or the other way.

I just sent our 1st Month Anniversary card to her house. I wanted to give her a surprise with the card. 19th May 2011 is the date that I will always remember as the date she accepted my proposal to be my girlfriend. I can never forget that moment when we were in the car. How she will react to the card, I have no idea. I hope she will like it. I put it on her Swift windscreen, clipped by her wiper. Hopefully, wind won't blow the card away. I am really looking forward to see what's her reaction tomorrow after reading the card.

Unsure whether she remember our anniversary is on 19th May. Not a surprise if she really didn't remember it. I am still her no one. Those experience will push me to make myself her someone.

Jestina, I love you.